While getting your college degree is an event of celebration elsewhere, at my home its a nightmare. Entering the final year means becoming eligible for marriage. Currently at 23, I had been avoiding the horrendous topic for two damm years but well, brown parents have a superpower. Their brain automatically stops registering when
bullshit their children are around. So when I was begging and pleading that I don’t want to get married; not now, not ever, this is what they heard, “I am dying to get married! Just find me an insanely rich guy with no sense of humor at all and I will do it in a heartbeat.”
31st August 2014
After spending a heavenly day with my girlfriends that included two of the my favorite things; shopping and spa, I get back home with freshly plucked eyebrows, blow dried hair, carrying lots of shopping bags, feeling like a diva; No, I am not a spoilt brat but the divine combination of the 2 S’s just wakes my inner goddess and I feel like Blair Waldorf. Humming to myself I enter the sitting area and the sight in front of me shakes that inner goddess to her core. My entire family, FYI I have a joint family; oh lucky me!, and some people I have never seen before staring at me like I was a freaking dwarf. Oh I like being the center of attraction, but this kind of attention makes me crap my pants. This was scarier than the ‘The Conjuring” basement scene…oh the chills.
Oh you are just over thinking, maybe they are just business partners my brain tried to assure me. After what felt like an hour, my mom approached me taking my bags and slyly whispering in my ear, “It’s a very good family; please don’t make a fool of yourself….and us.” “That’s Chanel ma! Be careful!” I said a little too loud seeing her carelessly dropping the bags on the shelf and got a glaring look from my dad. Oopsie.
Nervously, I approached the battle field with my Marc Jacobs clicking against the floor. The weird creepy guy was checking me out in an obvious way, infront of my entire effing family! Take a picture you asshole, was what I wanted to say but refrained and just gave him a forced smile.
Fast forward and came the moment when they guy and the girl were supposed to talk alone and ‘get to know each other’. Him and me sitting me in my room and he was asking all the old school questions; what are your hobbies, can you cook, do u want to work after marriage, and like. I answered uninterestingly whilst my brain was concentrating on how to get out of this damm situation. I’d rather die than getting married, it’s not for me!
“I think I like u.” that got my attention. What the hell! Think fast u stupid brain. “I am not ready for marriage” I reply. He smiles, oh yes! He understands my situation, “We can get engaged in a month and then get married whenever you want.” is what I hear next. Desperate much dude?
“I am a lesbian.” the words came out before I could stop them. Shock, horror, disgust and understanding, all these emotions play across his face in a matter of seconds. “Oh! So that’s why you have all these girls’ posters in your room.” he concluded, pointing at the exquisite art of Audrey Hepburn, Grace Kelly and Marilyn Monroe, with a smug expression like he could do better than Sherlock. No u dumbass, I have those paintings because these ladies are a symbol of elegance and style. What do boys learn in school! “You figured it out! Wow, you’re a genius.” NOT, I said fake praising him. “I like watching detective shows” he replied and I rolled my eyes inwardly. Think about your situation, you can laugh at him later. “So it would be a really huge favor if u could tell the folks downstairs that you don’t like me and stuff but please don’t mention anything about this. I want to tell them myself. Please” I requested him. “It’s okay. I understand.” he assured.
Keeping his word, he told everyone that he dint think we are compatible. After seeing them off, I reached for my shopping bags, shrugging off the weird looks my mom was giving me and catwalked back to my room feeling like an evil bitch and loving it!