Road to Recovery: A series

I think everyone can relate when I say that there are periods in life when you just lose yourself; you lose your essence, you stop doing what you like and you forget what makes you you. I don’t belong to the ones who have it all figured out. I am messed up. I am indecisive. I know what all is wrong with me but there was one thing that was right – I was emotionally independent.

But this all changed when I met him. 

He had a broken heart, and I craved to fix it, not realising how he would completely shatter me.

Now, after 8 months, I have decided to escape the emotional trauma and have moved to a new city. This series is very personal – detailing out my emotions, the past, the present, the struggles, the harm, but hopefully in the end I’ll be able to let of everything negative and heal myself.

If anyone else out there is going to something similar, please know you are not alone.



20 minutes of rambling

Write. Just write. For twenty minutes. Here we go:

Bold, carefree, confident, strong, badass; these are the words my family and friends use to describe me. But they don’t know, nobody knows that its all just an exterior. Inside, I am a scared, paranoid girl.

I am scared of getting raped. When I am out with my girls, dancing and chilling and pretending I don’t give a fuck, my mind is concentrated on my drink making sure no one is spiking it, my eyes are all over the room seeing if anyone is staring at us. I get paranoid when a guy approaches me, what if he rapes me or throw acid on me if I reject him? (This happens in India, I am not just making it up.)

I am scared of not making it on my own. Belonging to a rich family, people think the girls don’t have to work and they will be married into another wealthy family and her life is going to be perfect. But I don’t want to be anyone’s arm candy. Having a stable job and living without any financial support from my parents, this is what I crave. But can I do it? Do I have it in me? And what if I can’t? I am just another bimbo who is good for nothing except gossiping and shopping?

I am scared of letting down my parents. They think their opinion doesn’t matter to me, that I don’t care anyone but me. And that’s alright. If you let them see that you care, they take advantage. Trust me. But in the end I do want to make them happy. I do want them to be proud of me. Even if I couldn’t be an engineer like they wanted.

And above all; I am scared of not falling in love. All my friends believe in love, even after they have been heartbroken many times. Its like I am surrounded by Charlottes and I am the only Samantha. Straight up, I am a material girl. If I’ll ever be asked to choose between full time job or full time love, the former is going to be my choice; any day. But deep, deep, way deep down I wish that I find that feeling which changes my preference.

Okayyy, that’s pretty small. Well, my brain is slow.

Honey, meet your future husband. as hell

Getting your college degree maybe an event of celebration elsewhere but for me its a nightmare. Entering the final year means becoming eligible for marriage. Currently at 23, I had been avoiding the horrendous topic for two damm years but well, brown parents have a superpower – their brain automatically stops to listen and register whenever their offsprings are around. So all the moments when I was begging and pleading that I don’t want to get married; not now, not ever, this is what they heard, “I am dying to get married! Just find me an insanely rich guy with no sense of humor at all and I will do it in a heartbeat.”

31st August 2014

After spending a heavenly day with my girlfriends that included two of the my favorite things; shopping and spa, I get back home with freshly plucked eyebrows, blow dried hair, carrying lots of shopping bags, feeling like a diva – no, I am not a spoilt brat and I rarely leave the warmth of my dear dear bed but the divine combination of the 2 S’s just awakens my inner Queen Bee and I feel like Blair Waldorf. So, humming to myself I enter the sitting area and the sight in front of me shakes that inner Queen Bee to her core – my entire family, and I happen to be “blessed” with a joint family, and some people I have never seen before staring at me like I was a freaking dwarf. For the socially-awkward-not-so-queen-bee person that I am, this was scarier than the ‘The Conjuring” basement scene…oh the chills.

Oh you are just over thinking, maybe they are new neighbours or relatives from far far away my brain tried to soothe me. After what felt like an hour, my mom approached me taking my bags and slyly whispering in my ear, “It’s a very good family; please don’t make a fool of yourself….and us.” “That has books Ma!!” I cried, a little too loud, seeing her carelessly dropping the bags on the shelf and got a glaring look from my dad in return. Oopsie.

Nervously, I approached the battle field; my favourite pair of heels clicking against the floor. The weird creepy guy was checking me out in an obvious way, infront of my entire effing family! Take a picture you asshole, was what I wanted to say but refrained and just gave him a forced smile.

Fast forward and came the moment when they guy and the girl were supposed to talk alone and ‘get to know each other’. Him and me sitting me in my room and he was asking all the old school questions; what are your hobbies, can you cook, do u want to work after marriage, and like. I answered uninterestingly whilst my brain was concentrating on how to get out of this damm situation. I’d rather die than getting married, it’s not for me!

“I think I like you.” that got my attention. What the hell! Think fast you stupid brain. “I am not ready for marriage” I reply. He smiles, oh yes! He understands my situation, “We can get engaged in a month and then get married whenever you want.” is what I hear next. Desperate much dude?

“I am a lesbian.” the words came out before I could stop them. Shock, horror, disgust and understanding, all these emotions play across his face in a matter of seconds. “Oh! So that’s why you have all these girls’ posters in your room.” he concluded, pointing at the exquisite art of Audrey Hepburn, Grace Kelly and Marilyn Monroe, with a smug expression like he could do better than Sherlock. No u dumbass, I have those paintings because these ladies are a symbol of elegance and style. What do boys learn in school! “You figured it out! Wow, you’re a genius.” NOT, I said fake praising him. “I like watching detective shows” he replied and I rolled my eyes inwardly. Think about your situation, you can laugh at him later. “So it would be a really huge favor if u could tell the folks downstairs that you don’t like me and stuff but please don’t mention anything about this. I want to tell them myself. Please” I requested him. “It’s okay. I understand.” he assured.

Keeping his word, he told everyone that he dint think we are compatible. After seeing them off, I reached for my shopping bags, shrugging off the weird looks my mom was giving me and catwalked back to my room feeling like an evil bitch and loving it!